"Why am I here?"
I often find myself asking that one simple question.
Every trip I’ve been on I’ve actually seen God work through me. But that’s not always the case for the Philippines. Infact, sometimes I find myself counting down the days til December 11th because i'm so upset that I'm not seeing anything happen before my eyes. I love it here, don’t get me wrong. The culture is amazing. The people never fail to put a smile on my face. It’s when I step inside the gates that I feel the attack.
I’ve been sick the past three days so all I’ve done is lay in my bed and slept. I had a fever over 100 degrees, every muscle and joint in my body aches, my throat and cough keep me up all night. I don’t even have the energy to shower half the time. I would do almost anything to lay in my bed back home and have my mom bring me a bowl of chicken noodle soup.
And then I begin to feel the question popping up again…. “Why am I here?”
I got a message from my friend Joey back home this afternoon. A lengthy message actually. But he ended it with “…I wanted you to know that your actions over there affect people all over, and it has been an experience for me on its own.”
I began to sob. I’ve been begging God for a sign this week. Something that through these dark periods of doubt, would reassure me that God is listening to my prayers. That will remind me that I’m here for a reason and that what I am doing is meaningful. And when I began to give up, He gave me one.
God spoke to me while I was having a little sobfest for myself. I like to see evidence that what I’m doing is making a difference. And when I don’t, I feel like I’m not doing anything meaningful. But God told me that I’m asking all the wrong questions. In order to hear and to see God move, I have to release all my doubts and fears to Him. I have to let Him free me. Free me of worry, doubt, pain and any other thing that is not from Him.
So from now on, I’m choosing Him. I’m choosing to say yes, and to believe even when it’s not always easy.
I’m choosing freedom.
Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
