Lately I think about home
24/7. Today I was laying in my bed staring at the wall and thinking about everything that means home for me. My
family, friends, church, food, and
my animals. For a moment I forgot where I was but then my door swung open and one of my teammates walked in.
Snapped back to reality, where I live with nine other people and am almost never alone. In reality I am surrounded by poverty and pain that I can't even begin to understand. Every day when I walk out of the gate there are children calling my name and jumping on me. I walk down the street and I see
naked babies with runny noses and a terrible cough. Maybe today I just want to sleep but I know that those kids are counting on my
hug this morning.
I miss the weird things about home now. I miss
wearing a seatbelt, blending in, and being cold. Some days I am ready to call it quits. My poor mom has dealt with her fair share of
"IM COMING HOME" texts. Just when I feel like I can't do it anymore a kid smiles at me and says "tita, tita Kailie! UP!" my heart melts and I remember what its all about. God sent me hear to do some work for HIm but He could do it all without me. He is allowing me to walk beside Him so that I may learn some stuff and become more like Him. Yeah it hurts and as we get closer to the end I am becoming more and more spiritually exhausted but it is so worth it. Everyday we pour out to people even when we are just watching a movie with the Jaz girls or playing a game with the kids on the street. My love is constantly stretched, pulled, and multiplied. When I am sure there is no more left in me, God pulls some out of His chest and it gives it to me.
Now the fear is setting in 
I am so excited to go home but what will it be like to be back in the "real world"?
I have to remind myself that I will no longer stand out
waving at random strangers will not be an acceptable gesture
Feedback will no longer be a part of my daily life
people might freak out if I tell them things they need to work on
I will not be surrounded by 9 people who just want the absolute best for me.
I won't have kids screaming at me and begging me to play.
People will have so many questions
will I have the right answers?
Everyone will expect Kailie to be coming home
the thing is that Kailie has been forever changed
I wonder what it will be like to not see the Jaz girls anymore. I wonder how I will feel laying in my bed, in my own room. I wonder what it will be like to go places alone. I wonder if I will be home sick for the Philippines.
Truth is… I am ready to go home, but I am not ready to leave the Philippines.
Home is where the heart is <3
….. what about when your heart is in two different places?
p.s.
Just for clarification… I love the Philippines and I think it is one of the best places on earth. I am truly blessed to be here and I am going to have a hard time leaving. God bless you all!
